Listening

In her book, Listening: the Forgotten Skill, Madelyn Burley-Allen says that we have three primary ways of listening. First is *empathic” where we listen with our whole being. We are nonjudgmental, focused on the speaker, attentive to the feelings and intent of the speaker. Second, is to listen for information, hearing words, but not making an effort to understand the speaker’s intent, while appearing to do so. The third way we listen is in spurts. We drop in and out with our attention and spend much time just hearing rather than listening. It is often passive and judgmental.

We all use all of these, but often have a preference. At this point self-evaluation is often limited, but I think I use the last two more than the empathic listening. I am getting better and am seeing that when I coach clients, that they are heard this way more frequently. On the other hand, I am somewhat talkative, so I talk a lot to new acquaintances, new friends, and strangers. My listening to my wife is kind of a mixed bag, but getting better.

Listening is a skill worth learning.

“Speech is a joint game between the talker and the listener against the forces of confusion. Unless both make the effort, interpersonal communication is quite hopeless.”
——Norbert Weiner, “The Human Use of Human Beings.”